Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’m tired tomorrow.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
the noise i just made
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.