The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
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I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I鈥檝e ever seen
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn鈥檛 sugar make you fit and contoured
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I鈥檓 still fat because I didn鈥檛 do any of it.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I鈥檓 pretty sure I鈥檓 raising a damned genius.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Harsh but fair
No one
Drivers in NC: The light鈥檚 only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!馃槀
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
If you鈥檙e cremated, you can鈥檛 roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist