Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?