bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
You Might Also Like
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide