took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
British websites use biscuits.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.