When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
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[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume