Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
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When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Who.
Did.
This?
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still