Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
You Might Also Like
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Investing in beetcoin
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
same vibe as tangled headphones
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.