My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
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I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter