the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
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Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
@funTweeters
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.