people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen