[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
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“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Childbirth is so beautiful
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot