I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
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Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
what’s the point then??
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.