I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.