“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
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A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care