I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.