Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
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Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.