Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
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Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.