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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Twitter remains undefeated
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”