Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
How to find Kentucky on a map
This could be us but you eatin’
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
knights of the ikea table
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”