If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
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when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.