SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
You Might Also Like
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.