Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
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I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.