What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
You Might Also Like
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.