Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
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19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
that lip filler tho
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.