Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Breaking news:
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Don’t snitch tag.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.