Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
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Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Liquor Store Parking
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made