Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors