Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
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Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.