The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now