by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
You better watch out