[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
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“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Don’t talk down to me
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?