Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.