My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
You Might Also Like
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Breaking news:
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No