KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
No chill.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*