Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
buys donuts instead
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year