Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
we’re dead?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?