Ice skating is like walking in cursive
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Happy Febuary everyone!
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something