My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.