If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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Okay me first
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no