“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
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Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.