I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
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Big Sex has us all fooled
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.