Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
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I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Livid.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!