I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
[loses house key, starts a new life]
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever