I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
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[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
2022: I can fix it
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us