As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
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insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.