if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.