Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
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Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
twitter is a journey
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
You know I’m something of a chef myself