I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.