I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
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I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Buck naked
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?